Last Minute Halloween Costumes

Not everyone is like me when it comes to Halloween.  Some people do not consider it last minute to figure out what they will wear for Halloween on September 1st.  They don’t spend the months leading up to the holiday scouring costume shops, thrift stores, variety stores and the internet for all the pieces it takes to perfectly imitate some character.  I understand that.  I’m exceedingly fortune that my talented sister, Kim, has started a tradition of giving me an excellent costume for my birthday, on the caveat that it would be worthy of her skill and interesting enough that she should bother. 

Some people don’t even have the foresight to buy a slutty costume the weekend before.

And you can find a skanky version of anything

There are pre-made costumes available at stores, that for girls are supposed to be a sexy fill in the blank, and for guys most costumes are usually some crude visual gag.  You can also find costumes based on whatever movie or TV show people have been watching.

I watch Jersey Shore, and all, but seriously, Snooki costumes? Why is this a real thing?

But what if you didn’t think to pick something up, and now, it’s time to go out for Halloween.  Well, let’s look at what you can do, and what you can’t.

Acceptable — Work Uniform

If you used to work at a fast food place, or somewhere with a recognizable uniform, you can put on your old work clothes.  Make a fake, punny name tag, and make sure the clothes are clean.  As long as people know it’s a costume, it’s okay, but they shouldn’t think you just left work.  This costume is especially true if you are a cute girl who used to work anywhere the uniform included an apron, like Starbucks, and you want to pull a Rene Zellweger form Empire Records

This is always okay.

Unacceptable — Hockey Jersey

Do not just put on a hockey jersey, and claim to be the player whose name is on the back.  If you want to do this, you better fucking look like the guy.  You also should go a step or two further.  Put on a pair of hockey gloves, maybe a fake black eye.  If you are a white guy with long hair, you can’t just put on your favourite player’s jersey and tell me you’re this guy:

because you look nothing like Iginla

Acceptable — Vampire or Zombie anything

Put on any clothes.  Grab some make up.  If you don’t have any either run to the drug store for some make up, or borrow some from your wife, girlfriend, mother, or neighbor.  Seriously, it isn’t that hard.  The internet is full of great tutorials on zombie make up, or if you’re lazy, just put down a white base and run a little red down the corner of your mouth and be a vampire. 

Ignoring my awesome cap teeth, there's not a lot to this costume...

Unacceptable — Superhero T-Shirts

If you’re like me, you’re not desperately trying to figure out what to wear on October 31st.  But if you’re kind of like me, you have a bunch of superhero T-shirts, and if you’re dumb, you think they could be turned into costumes.  This is untrue in almost all circumstances.  A Green Lantern t-shirt and jeans is not a costume.  There are exceptions.  First of all, if you have the right haircut and the right Superman symbol T-Shirt (red symbol, black background) you can be

This one, specific Superboy

Also, if you have Peter Parker or Clark Kent clothes, you can do mid change superhero.

This is the lamest Halloween costume I've ever worn. I have high standards.

Unacceptable — Toilet Paper Mummy

Just, just don’t.  It’s gross.

Acceptable — Dressing as a Holiday

Not everyone has a collection of capes like I do, but most people have Christmas decorations, or … Easter, or something.  Wear them like a costume.  Be Christmas.  It’s better than wearing nothing.

Unacceptable — Ghost Sheet

Don’t cut the eyes out of a sheet and be a ghost.  Especially after that one South Park, where Cartman showed us what you really look like:

You can't unsee this.

Acceptable — Bedsheet Toga

Seriously, if you need to wear a sheet, wear it as a toga.  It looks better.

Unacceptable — A Celebrity you look like

So you think you look like Johnny Depp, or Edward from Twilight?  It’s not enough.  You need Depp’s weird hat, or Edward’s eyebrows.   If you want to be Ricky from Trailer Park boys you need to wear one of his signature shirts.  Basically, you can’t do this unless you already have built a costume, and if that’s the case, then you have a costume, don’t you.  It’s not enough to wear your regular clothes.

Acceptable — Dress Clothes

Put on your best suit.  You’ll look like something.  Maybe you’ll need a headphone run to your ear to look like secret service, or maybe you’ll look like James Bond.  For girls, you might look like a prom queen or a bridesmaid.  You can go with it.

Unacceptable — No Costume

This is not okay.  You hear me Kodie?  Not acceptable.  You have to stay home.

Acceptable — Your Skankiest Clothing

Ladies, it’s Halloween.  No matter what you’re wearing, you’re not a slut.  You could say your a prositute, but you don’t need to.  If you’ve got an animal ear handband, you’re more than set.  It’s the Mean Girls Equation: 

Animal ears plus underwear equals costume

Seriously, wear your underwear, and you’re good.

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New Special Interest Group

Look, everyone, there’s something that’s been on my mind lately.  I’m

Concerned About Goblins

Yep.  I’m concerned about Goblins.  They live in the woods, and steal our natural resources.  Trust me, they chop down trees and steal oil from oil dereks whenever no one is looking.

Now I’m not saying that I’m anti-goblin.  I’m just … concerned.  Very concerned.  I mean, who knows what they are up to, in their hidey-holes.  That where they live.  Hidey-holes, located in the woods.

So, if you’re like me, and you want to protect our natural resources (from goblins) feel free to fly the above banner on your blog or website.

After all, all it takes for the Goblins to win is for good people to do nothing.

Hot For Words

Internet, how come no one told me about this?

This is not a secret to keep from me

Since 2007, Marina Orlova has been running the website Hot For Words where she examines philology of words.  That means where they come from.  In case you didn’t guess by the name, she also has an incredibly sexy accent, like the temptress from an old Bond movie.

Seriously, people, when beautiful girls with accents want to geek out on words, you should probably understand that I consider it your responsiblity to tell me.  This doesn’t just apply to sexy Russians talking about the origin of English words while dressed as either a sexy schoolgirl or a hot teacher.  If a cute girl puts on a bikini and is teaching grammar, you tell me, especially if she’s Austrailian.  If some German chick puts on a mini-skirt and wants to discuss spelling, YOU TELL ME.  If a British babe in short-shorts wants to debate the merits of different eras of literature THAT IS NOT A SECRET YOU KEEP FROM ME.

So remember: cute girl + revealing clothing + accent + English language geekiness = TELL JOEY WITH CAPLOCKS IMPORTANCE.

I mean, really, can you in good faith deny me this:\

Drinking in Stettler

It’s been ten years since I lived in Stettler full time.  A decade.  Sure, my first few years of university, I came back for the summers, but that just isn’t the same.  While I still have family there, none of my friends live there anymore.  Hell, none of my friends parents live there.  I don’t know anyone in town I’m not related to anymore.

David wanted to go out on Friday night, and I had nothing else to do, I tagged along.  We headed out to one of his friends apartments, and I recognized it instantly.  Kodie used to live there.

People tend to come to Stettler to settle.  They have families, and they want houses with big back yards so the kids can run around, and some are there to retire.  People don’t move across town often, and when they do, it’s a big deal.  The last time my parents moved, it was because our house burnt down.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.  In fact, I think it’s pretty admirable to find a place where you belong and make it your own.

The problem is not everyone knows where they belong.  When you reach a transition phase, say when you’re done high school and don’t know what you want to do with your life, there’s not a lot of options in Stettler.  People want to move out, but there’s not a hell of a lot of places to go.  People tend to buy houses, not rent them.  Most of the people in the few apartment buildings plan to live there their whole lives.

So if you want to move out of your parent’s house, and you’re not ready to leave Stettler, then there are about three places you can rent.  Ten years ago, Kodie lived two suites down from the apartment we went that night.  We walked in, and it was like a time machine.  I didn’t realize how much I’d raised my standard of living.  I don’t really hang out in places with that many bugs anymore, or that many empty bottles.  You could tell the poor bastards that lived there had been given the dubious honour of being the standard party hosts.  Everyone just assumed they could come there to drink, and they didn’t really say no.

We hung out for a while, and … and it was Stettler.  We didn’t have much else to do but play drinking games.  We did something called Three Man, which was kind of like a drinking version of craps.  So … a bunch of guys sat around the table, making each other drink.

University is worth it, without a degree, just for the gender ratios.

So we drank, and I told them I was old so that I wouldn’t have to make myself sick, and they kept going.  Then we had to go down for the cab they had called.

I was… shocked to say the least.  Each day, my walk to work would take me right across Stettler.  There’s a real problem in town with cars.  No one realizes you rarely need a car, and people drive more often than needed.  If you aren’t carrying stuff or transporting small children, you can probably walk it.  To give you a hint of how little we needed it is the cost; we herded drunks like cats and they guy left the meter running so that the cost was six dollars.

We went to Social Bo’s, which is the one bar in Stettler that pretends to be a club and nearly succeeds. 

Look right across the bar

It has had several names, the earliest I remember is the Kowloon.  It sits in a little strip mall, and used to be attached to a restaurant.   Bouncers stand at the entrance, and there’s a bar and a shot bar, but if the music was off, you could have a conversation across the room.  It’s really not that big.  People dance, instead of sitting at their tables nursing beers.  Well, people still sit at their tables, mostly guys who are afraid to be seen dancing.   Most of Stettler’s bars are pubs with old guys sitting around looking sad.   I’m not saying I’m a big fan of clubs to begin with, and the makeshift version in Stettler, well, it depresses me.

What really hit me though, were the patrons.  Anyone who’s still in Stettler at my age generally has a couple of kids, and won’t be found in the bar.  No, the people there are either in or just out of high school.  As I looked around the bar, I realized that most of the people there probably hadn’t started the first grade by the time I left high school.  I felt old, in a I need to get out of here. 

They may be blurry, but I assure you, they also may be underage

David decided to stay because he knows who was actually of age, and has lower standards than me.  I just … I couldn’t.  I don’t belong there.  He asked how I would get home.  I reminded him it was Stettler, and then walked for ten minutes.

And I don’t think I’ll be back at Social Bo’s.  I’m too old and it’s too creepy.  I couldn’t even stick around long enough to give them a review.

But it probably would have come up as creepy.

Published in: on October 25, 2010 at 12:01 am  Comments (1)  
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Hiatus: Making it official

So, my posting has been spotty, because I’ve been busy. I don’t have a back log of work to put up, and I’m not having time to do much blogging.

So let’s make it official. I’m on hiatus until October 25th. I may put something up before then, but there won’t be regular updates.

See you all then, when I’ll have stuff to post.

Published in: on October 6, 2010 at 12:19 pm  Leave a Comment