I’m Back

Hey Internet!

I still exist.  And I’m here because I’m starting a new project.

Have you ever seen Brad Neely’s brilliant “Wizard People, Dear Reader?”  If not, check out a piece of it here:

The Cribbage Match

Basically, I want to do the same thing.  Create an alternate audio track.  During Stampede, to avoid the heat, we sat in the basement a lot, and we watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  And I want to change all the words.  I just need to do a few things.

1. Script a very long movie

2. Synch up the timing with the action on the screen

3. Buy the audio equipment to produce the script

4. Figure out how to work the audio equipment.

5. Record my super long script.

6. Produce it

7. Distribute it

8. Repeat 2 times.

So let’s see how this goes…


Published in: on July 16, 2012 at 5:22 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Learning Something New

Earlier this week, I went for drinks with S1 and her boyfriend.  As we headed from the car to the bar, she started laughing hysterically, like a crazy person, because of a restaurant.

We looked at her as though she was laughing like a crazy person.  “Come on guys, that’s a terrible name for a restuarant.”

“What is?” I asked, not sure what I was looking at.

“Trib Steakhouse? That’s just wrong.”

BF and I looked at each other, trying to figure out what was going on.

“You’ve never heard of tribbing?  Haven’t you guys ever seen porn?”

Now, I’m not saying I’m a porn afficiando, because my Mom reads this blog.  I have been on the internet for over half my life at this point though, and I’ve seen some wonderful things, and if they had a name, I made sure I remembered them, and if they didn’t, I tried to find it.

I’ve also seen some terrible things.  You’ll only Google Image Search ‘goatse” once, and that’s two times too many.

So when I told her “No, I’ve never heard of tribbing,” I knew it was something obscure, and probably not worth worrying about whether or not you called your steak house by this rare form of erotica.

It turns out, however, that tribbing isn’t that out there.  It’s just a word that only S1 and Urban Dictionary know.  The rest of it call it like we see it.


as in "Oh my good, we're scissoring!"

Published in: on March 7, 2011 at 12:00 pm  Comments (1)  
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New Special Interest Group

Look, everyone, there’s something that’s been on my mind lately.  I’m

Concerned About Goblins

Yep.  I’m concerned about Goblins.  They live in the woods, and steal our natural resources.  Trust me, they chop down trees and steal oil from oil dereks whenever no one is looking.

Now I’m not saying that I’m anti-goblin.  I’m just … concerned.  Very concerned.  I mean, who knows what they are up to, in their hidey-holes.  That where they live.  Hidey-holes, located in the woods.

So, if you’re like me, and you want to protect our natural resources (from goblins) feel free to fly the above banner on your blog or website.

After all, all it takes for the Goblins to win is for good people to do nothing.

Never Say No to a Panda

I’ve hated panda bears ever since I read this article.  There are teams of scientists, because zoo keepers generally have degrees in biology or veterinary medicine, some of them are even doctors, trying to get pandas to eat and fuck.  Seriously.  Do you know what happens when I put in a request to have a team of scientists work around the clock to ensure all I need to do is eat fattier foods and make the sweet love to all the sexiest females of my species?

Well, let me tell you Harvard, your laughter is hurtful and inappropriate.

Pandas do nothing all day long.

But imagine if they didn’t.  Imagine if they had jobs.  Say with, I don’t know, cheese companies?  That would be awesome….

or see it here

Published in: on September 29, 2010 at 12:00 pm  Comments (3)  
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Miniblog: Watch What You Sign

I didn’t have my pictures with me to put up the next England blog, so you’ll have to keep waiting.  Today, however, I present to you the following.

This morning, I drew up this petition and brought it to S2.

Black line added to protect the guilty.

Oh, yeah, that’s easy to agree with.  Nothing strange there, like the single line or suspicious looking pad.  It’s all good.  Everyone hates punching children.

Well, apparently not S2, at least not entirely.  I found this completely unrelated document which he signed some time later.

Only a really evil man would sign this confession.

Oh wow, that’s a bad guy.  I wouldn’t trust him at all…


For the Image Impaired:

Image 1: I believe it is wrong to punch small children. Signed by S2.

Image 2:

To Whom it May Concern:

I will do anything I am told by a man holding celery.

Small animals run from me in fear, and I am amused.

I cannot legally enter Germany or most African Countries.

I am sexually attracted to office supplies ex: staplers.

I eat baby seal meat three times a day.

I once punched a single mother for “looking at me funny.”

I am a bad man.  I am not to be trusted near children and am probably a murderer.

Signed by S2.

Published in: on September 22, 2010 at 2:10 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Miniblogs: Google Games

Bad news kids: England is an expensive place.  As such, I picked up some overtime to pay for the trip.  This means I’m working 10 hour days, and I don’t have enough time to really write the blogs about England.  I know, it sucks, cause I have a lot to talk about.

But today, I’m just going to give you some Google games.  They work like this: you put a phrase into Google in quotations, and get an answer.  For example I search “Joey looks like” and got Joey looks like a rat.

More Google Games:

  • “Joey smells like” Pepe Le Peu
  • “Joey is wanted for” murder, echoing travesties his own father committed and died for years ago.
  • “Joey seems to” be comfortable with her English name.
  • “Joey needs to learn” to park
  • “Joey would probably” lose to Pheobe
  • “Joey sucks at” life
  • “Joey usually” handled the day to day raising of the kids
  • “Joey couldn’t” even say the rest of his line
  • “Joey reminds me of” zombie Jesus
  • “Joey makes me want to” smack him in the face with a shovel
  • “Joey can’t even” see or hear, but he sure can climb.

See what you get!  Leave them in the comments.

Published in: on September 8, 2010 at 12:33 pm  Comments (3)  
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The Girl on The Train

I have a weird social anxiety that people who know me don’t realize I have.  I need a set relationship to talk to someone.    If we’re just strangers, I can’t start a conversation.  I know that’s stupid and crazy.  I know that I’m not disturbing people by speaking to them, but if I need to know the time, I’m more likely to go into a store and buy something so I can ask the clerk than to ask a person at a bus stop.  

It’s weird in the ways it doesn’t show up.  I have no problem public speaking.  I’m more comfortable before an audience of hundreds than a single stranger.  I can do my job, which involves speaking with customers I don’t know all day long, because we have a set relationship. 

To meet new people, I generally need to lamprey onto an extrovert. 

It's an unpleasant image, I know.


If I have that back up, someone else to say the first word, to start the conversation, I can join in.  That’s why I need Tall or Lina in new social situations.  Once they break the ice, I can plunge into the frozen lack below, but I can’t do it myself. 

Which isn’t helping me right now, as I write this.  I’m on the C-Train with my Black Book.  If you’ve never been on a C-Train, there’s two types of cars.  One has a bunch of seats that all face one direction, like a school bus, where you stare at the head of the person across from you.  Then there’s the ones I call picnic cars.  The benches face each other like this: 

Three sets of these on either side of the train


It looks like you’re facing each other, and you’re going to set up a picnic between you.  All that’s missing is the table in the middle and it would be like your grandparents camping trailer.  The awkwardness right now comes from the fact that only a mostly empty train, I’m sitting here: 

I'm brunette, so I'm brown in an overhead view.


And this really cute blonde girl came onto the train and looked around.  There were completely empty sets of picnic seats, and she completely ignores them and heads for mine.  This obviously  means she’s into me.  The only problem was I had no extrovert here, no Tall to start up the conversation.  I’m on my way home from work, and I haven’t had a chance to drink yet, and my social anxiety kicks in.  Then it gets worse.  See, normally, when you join someone on a picnic seat, you sit opposite of them. 

Kitty corner, maximum distance from train strangers


But this girl doesn’t seem to know the etiquette, or is so into me she doesn’t care.  She sits here. 

As close as she can get.


The diagram doesn’t really do it justice.  She was trying to cuddle.  She really wanted to sit in my lap, but I had this book out, so I was writing away.  

How could this happen today!  The one day I don’t drink at work!  How am I supposed to talk to her?  I’m on my own, she came to me, she came right for me!  Does that mean we have a set relationship?  Can I do it?  Can I talk to her, dead sober, on my own? 

Of course I can!  I’m amazing!  I’m such a cool guy!  I’m internet famous, with literally dozens of readers on my blog everyday!  I talk to hundreds of people every week, so why can’t I set a relationship, instead of walking into a predefined one?  In fact, there is one here!  This cute girl defined the relationship as cool writer guy on the train and cute girl who wants him!  There’s no way she thought it would be normal to come sit right next to me!  This is Canada, and we have nothing but open space, so she obviously wanted to get all up in mine so I would get all up in her. 

Then she pulled out this: 

I don't know if it was actually Spanish


A foreign language dictionary.  Great, she just doesn’t know our customs. 

Or she’s learning a foreign langauge…. 

Now I’m trying to lean over without her noticing, figuring out what language it is.  I can tell by the type of book what it is, but I can’t see if it’s German, or French, or Japanese.  Those are my ins.  I have enough of those languages that it counts as a set relationship, whether she’s a tourist or a student.  

Fuck, woman, just let me see your book! 

This is getting ridiculous.  Why am I still writing?  Why can’t I talk to her?  For fuck’s sake, it doesn’t matter what language the dictionary is!  Hell, I could just ask her.  Just say “What language is that?”  I’ll be able to tell if she speaks it or if she’s studying it when I ask.  If it’s one of my languages, I’m golden. 

I tried it, just now, but it quickly became a cough. 

Now she seems weirded out.  Why don’t I have a flask on me?  Just a quick shot, just a little buzz that I can blame if I screw up!  Why is this happening to me. 

Fuck, Tall, where are you?  Why aren’t you here?  If I text you, does that count?  Do I have the power to talk to the girl then? 

It’s hard to balance the book and text.  I elbowed her a little.  Not inappropriately.  Now Tall isn’t texting back.  WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU? 

Why is this going so badly?  Why can’t I handle this?  This is a normal thing!  Normal people do it all the time.  We’ve been sitting together for twenty minutes now.  Is it too late?  Why don’t I just talk to her?  Why am I still blogging. 

We’re downtown now.  She’s getting off at the first stop. 

Thank God that’s over. 

Wait a second … 


Joey would have you believe he’s suave with women, as he’s surrounded by beautiful girls all the time.  Women constantly fall in love with him on the train.  He’s usually not interested in them.  This girl was special, but that’s not a good thing.

Miniblog: Cheating at Twitter

Did you know Japanese people cheat at Twitter? Seriously. I mean, you get 140 characters, right? Well, in English, Japanese People takes 14 characters. A 10th of what you’re allowed. In Japanese, it takes 3.

THREE! That’s a 47th of what you use in English!

They can write way more. We need 4.7 times as many characters! So I figure they should be allowed 29.79 characters. That’s all they get.

Make Twitter fair. Take away Japanese characters

Published in: on June 11, 2010 at 12:38 pm  Leave a Comment  
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If You’re Wondering

I’m an English Geek, and because of that, the possibilities in this Weezer Song appeal to me.

Basically, I hear something different every time.  I assume some of you will also be amused by this:

  • If you’re wondering if I want you to, I want you to.
  • If you’re wondering if I want you to, I want you too.
  • If you’re wondering if I want you to, I want you two.
  • If you’re wondering if I want you too, I want you to.
  • If you’re wondering if I want you too, I want you too
  • If you’re wondering if I want you too, I want you two.
  • If you’re wondering if I want you two, I want you to.
  • If you’re wondering if I want you two, I want you too.
  • If you’re wondering if I want you two, I want you two.


While I assume only other English Geeks, like Lina, will be amused by the above, let me simplify it for you:

  • If you’re wondering if I want you to do that, I want you to do that.  So go ahead and do that.
  • If you’re wondering if I want you to do that, I want you as well. Some make less sense than others.
  • If you’re wondering if I want you to do that, I want you both.  Some are about threesomes.
  • If you’re wondering if I want you as well, I want you to do that.  I’m enigmatic and seductive.
  • If you’re wondering if I want you as well, I want you as well.  So we’re gonna get it on.
  • If you’re wondering if I want you as well, I want you both.  So we’re gonna get it on with your hot roommate.
  • If you’re wondering if I want you both, I want you to do that.  Because there’s a chance I’m not into the threesome…or so I’d have you believe.
  • If you’re wondering if I want you both, I want you as well.  Because I assume you both want me.
  • If you’re wondering if I want you both, I want you both.  Threesomes are cool.
Published in: on May 13, 2010 at 12:35 pm  Comments (2)  
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Today at work, I got bored.  So I drew this bear.  Then I started sending it to people in emails that said things like “LEONARD LOOK OUT A BEAR!”

Then they would open it and see the bear.  Funny, no?

I want this thing to go viral.  So feel free to copy this bear, and send it to your friends, and warn them to look out.  It’s available above, or through my Deviant Art.  Trust me, everyone loves and fears this bear.

It’s under creative commons licence.  That means you can do whatever you want with it, as long as you don’t charge people.  So if you want to make it better, feel free.  If you want to make a T-Shirt, I’ve reserved those rights for the time being.


I love creative commons.  Since I put his up at midnight, Lina sent me this:



And Leonrd sent me this:


Published in: on May 8, 2010 at 12:01 am  Comments (4)  
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