Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, in 1998, Jeff Bridges met Tara Reid, and she offered to blow him for $1000.  I fell in love with her and don’t care what anyone says about her.

Published in: on January 9, 2012 at 10:41 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Learning Something New

Earlier this week, I went for drinks with S1 and her boyfriend.  As we headed from the car to the bar, she started laughing hysterically, like a crazy person, because of a restaurant.

We looked at her as though she was laughing like a crazy person.  “Come on guys, that’s a terrible name for a restuarant.”

“What is?” I asked, not sure what I was looking at.

“Trib Steakhouse? That’s just wrong.”

BF and I looked at each other, trying to figure out what was going on.

“You’ve never heard of tribbing?  Haven’t you guys ever seen porn?”

Now, I’m not saying I’m a porn afficiando, because my Mom reads this blog.  I have been on the internet for over half my life at this point though, and I’ve seen some wonderful things, and if they had a name, I made sure I remembered them, and if they didn’t, I tried to find it.

I’ve also seen some terrible things.  You’ll only Google Image Search ‘goatse” once, and that’s two times too many.

So when I told her “No, I’ve never heard of tribbing,” I knew it was something obscure, and probably not worth worrying about whether or not you called your steak house by this rare form of erotica.

It turns out, however, that tribbing isn’t that out there.  It’s just a word that only S1 and Urban Dictionary know.  The rest of it call it like we see it.

Scissoring.

as in "Oh my good, we're scissoring!"

Published in: on March 7, 2011 at 12:00 pm  Comments (1)  
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Miniblog: Stuff I Like; DrunkTank

Hey loyal readers!  If you’re here for the novel, scroll down or look for PTP posts, because today’s not about the novel.  Today, I’m just talking about stuff I like.

Today, I want to talk about Drunk Tank.  It’s a podcast done by Rooster Teeth, best known for Red vs. Blue.  At least, that’s what I know them best for, and that’s gonna be good enough for you.  They probably do some other stuff, but what am I, Wikipedia?  Go figure it out yourself.

Basically, they get a bunch of the guys who work on their projects together in a room and talk about stuff.  There’s not a lot of structure, except that it comes out once a week.  There’s no set topics, and you never know what they’re going to get into.  You don’t even need to be up on the topic.  This is a group of smart, funny guys who are articulate, and able to let you know enough about whatever they’re talking about that you can follow along.

Seriously, this is worth checking out.  Unless you’re an old lady who doesn’t like swearing.  Then I recommend leaving the internet.

Published in: on November 10, 2010 at 12:34 pm  Leave a Comment  
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New Special Interest Group

Look, everyone, there’s something that’s been on my mind lately.  I’m

Concerned About Goblins

Yep.  I’m concerned about Goblins.  They live in the woods, and steal our natural resources.  Trust me, they chop down trees and steal oil from oil dereks whenever no one is looking.

Now I’m not saying that I’m anti-goblin.  I’m just … concerned.  Very concerned.  I mean, who knows what they are up to, in their hidey-holes.  That where they live.  Hidey-holes, located in the woods.

So, if you’re like me, and you want to protect our natural resources (from goblins) feel free to fly the above banner on your blog or website.

After all, all it takes for the Goblins to win is for good people to do nothing.

Hot For Words

Internet, how come no one told me about this?

This is not a secret to keep from me

Since 2007, Marina Orlova has been running the website Hot For Words where she examines philology of words.  That means where they come from.  In case you didn’t guess by the name, she also has an incredibly sexy accent, like the temptress from an old Bond movie.

Seriously, people, when beautiful girls with accents want to geek out on words, you should probably understand that I consider it your responsiblity to tell me.  This doesn’t just apply to sexy Russians talking about the origin of English words while dressed as either a sexy schoolgirl or a hot teacher.  If a cute girl puts on a bikini and is teaching grammar, you tell me, especially if she’s Austrailian.  If some German chick puts on a mini-skirt and wants to discuss spelling, YOU TELL ME.  If a British babe in short-shorts wants to debate the merits of different eras of literature THAT IS NOT A SECRET YOU KEEP FROM ME.

So remember: cute girl + revealing clothing + accent + English language geekiness = TELL JOEY WITH CAPLOCKS IMPORTANCE.

I mean, really, can you in good faith deny me this:\

Never Say No to a Panda

I’ve hated panda bears ever since I read this article.  There are teams of scientists, because zoo keepers generally have degrees in biology or veterinary medicine, some of them are even doctors, trying to get pandas to eat and fuck.  Seriously.  Do you know what happens when I put in a request to have a team of scientists work around the clock to ensure all I need to do is eat fattier foods and make the sweet love to all the sexiest females of my species?

Well, let me tell you Harvard, your laughter is hurtful and inappropriate.

Pandas do nothing all day long.

But imagine if they didn’t.  Imagine if they had jobs.  Say with, I don’t know, cheese companies?  That would be awesome….

or see it here

Published in: on September 29, 2010 at 12:00 pm  Comments (3)  
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Miniblog: Watch What You Sign

I didn’t have my pictures with me to put up the next England blog, so you’ll have to keep waiting.  Today, however, I present to you the following.

This morning, I drew up this petition and brought it to S2.

Black line added to protect the guilty.

Oh, yeah, that’s easy to agree with.  Nothing strange there, like the single line or suspicious looking pad.  It’s all good.  Everyone hates punching children.

Well, apparently not S2, at least not entirely.  I found this completely unrelated document which he signed some time later.

Only a really evil man would sign this confession.

Oh wow, that’s a bad guy.  I wouldn’t trust him at all…

______________________________________________________

For the Image Impaired:

Image 1: I believe it is wrong to punch small children. Signed by S2.

Image 2:

To Whom it May Concern:

I will do anything I am told by a man holding celery.

Small animals run from me in fear, and I am amused.

I cannot legally enter Germany or most African Countries.

I am sexually attracted to office supplies ex: staplers.

I eat baby seal meat three times a day.

I once punched a single mother for “looking at me funny.”

I am a bad man.  I am not to be trusted near children and am probably a murderer.

Signed by S2.

Published in: on September 22, 2010 at 2:10 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Miniblogs: Google Games

Bad news kids: England is an expensive place.  As such, I picked up some overtime to pay for the trip.  This means I’m working 10 hour days, and I don’t have enough time to really write the blogs about England.  I know, it sucks, cause I have a lot to talk about.

But today, I’m just going to give you some Google games.  They work like this: you put a phrase into Google in quotations, and get an answer.  For example I search “Joey looks like” and got Joey looks like a rat.

More Google Games:

  • “Joey smells like” Pepe Le Peu
  • “Joey is wanted for” murder, echoing travesties his own father committed and died for years ago.
  • “Joey seems to” be comfortable with her English name.
  • “Joey needs to learn” to park
  • “Joey would probably” lose to Pheobe
  • “Joey sucks at” life
  • “Joey usually” handled the day to day raising of the kids
  • “Joey couldn’t” even say the rest of his line
  • “Joey reminds me of” zombie Jesus
  • “Joey makes me want to” smack him in the face with a shovel
  • “Joey can’t even” see or hear, but he sure can climb.

See what you get!  Leave them in the comments.

Published in: on September 8, 2010 at 12:33 pm  Comments (3)  
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Miniblog: Halloween Costumes

My birthday is in early October, and over the last couple of years, it’s become something of a tradition that my sister Kim makes me a Halloween costume as a gift.  This is incredible.  She works in the theatre, and the quality of these costumes is amazing.

This year, however, I’ve hit a bit of a problem.  I’m not sure what to be.  I already wore an awesome Caesar Romero Joker:

Not Heath Ledger's Joker

and a superb Goblin King:

If you haven't seen Labyrinth, you live a sad life.

But now what do I do?  I’ve got a couple ideas, and I’m looking for advice.  I know I want to do a pop culture costume, but do I go with classic pop culture, and ask her for Indigo Montoya:

If you haven't seen the Princess Bride, I pity you

Which is awesome, if people get it, but otherwise kind of looks like a random pirate.  I mean, if I keep asking people about six fingered men and such, it’ll be fine, and I bet I can talk Kodie or Shawn into the Dread Pirate Roberts, which is an easier costume, because he’s pretty much Zorro, and see if we can get Tall into a Fezzick costume, completing the set and making it more recognizable. 

Alternatively, I could go super recognizable with Luigi:

It's a me!

It’s fun, people will get it, and who doesn’t want a Luigi costume to go go-karting or to a party.  It’s super fun, but it’s … it’s almost not worthy of Kim’s incredible skill.  Is this the one?

Or do I go a touch more modern and obscure with Dr. Horrible:

If you haven't seen Dr. Horrible's Sing a Long Blog, you know the drill

People might not get it, but if they don’t, I think Mad Scientist is better than pirate.  If people do get it, they’ll fucking love it.  Getting Tall into a Captain Hammer costume won’t be tough.  This one also includes no fake mustaches, so there’s that.

I love all three.  I really can’t decide, but I need to, quickly.  So help me out! 

If you want to explain your choice, leave a comment.

Miniblog: Getting Back

I’m back from England, and I know you’re all excited to hear about my no doubt fabulous adventures.  Unfortunately, I’m jet lagged and out of practice on the internet.  I mean, I was offline for most of ten days.  It’s weird how much you miss, and how little it affects you.  I start to realize how much time I spend screwing around on the internet, but instead of feeling bad I just feel behind.  I’ve got articles to read on Cracked, movies to watch on the Escapist, and a plethora of comics that missed me.

On top of that, I want to write out the blogs a bit more from England, because the stories are pretty cool.

Add to that jet lag, and the fact that I’m moving right away, well, you’ll be hearing about England no sooner than Monday, as I get into the swing of things.

Published in: on September 1, 2010 at 12:27 pm  Comments (2)  
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