Hard to Compliment

Some things are really hard to compliment.  For example, I think girls with big ears are cute.

Girls like Amy Smart

I like the type of ears that, when a girl wears her hair down, the tops of them stick out.  I doubt this is common, because all my google fu was useless in finding pictures of unnamed cute girls with big ears.

It sounds like an insult, doesn’t it?  Big ears.  Like I’m going around mocking elephants.

I am not attracted to elephants with big ears. Just girls.

In fact, most girls that have them, I assume were teased for them.  They hide them, under specially designed hair cuts and hats and other optical illusions that girls know to make me think they look different than they actually do.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m generally a fan of the spectacle, all the work the ladies do to impress … well someone else, but I still benefit from the visuals.

This one, however, it makes me said.  Even if I want to tell a girl “Your ears are so cute” she bulks.  It’s like I’ve built my own “Do these pants make me look fat?” trap.  It’s like an unescapable, back-handed compliment, and unless you’re a pick up artist playing with negs, it doesn’t really work. 

If you didn’t know, negs are semi-mean compliments designed to throw a cute girl out of her comfort zone, and make her work to impress you.  It’s a tricky game to play with the ladies, especially because you can get accidentally mean, and you shouldn’t fake a sense of humour you don’t have.  Plus, I sincerely like her ears, and if she’s feeling like she needs to compensate for them, I done screwed up.

Is this just me?  Am I the only one who thinks big earls are cute?  Because Google Image Search suggests I might be.  I mean, if most of my top five celebrity crushes didn’t have them, I never would have been able to give you this other example of Jordana Brewster

Who has been kind enough not to slap a restraining order on me

And I’m pretty sure, even in the two pictures I’ve provided, those girls have minimized their ears.  I couldn’t find many good ones.

Oh!

Zooey Deschanel!

Here’s a good one!  Zooey Deschanel!  Why don’t we see more girls with those kind of cute ears?  That is exactly the look I’m thinking of, and I would be happy to see more of it.

And, this blog was written in February of 2011.  I mention that explicitly so that the next time I get in a fight over a girl over whether or not I was being sincere when I tell her her big ears are adorable, or sexy, or whatever adjective I use to get what I want from her, I have this as proof.  There, future girl, I wrote this before I met you, so now you have to forgive me, and realize, I really like those ears.

Sergeant Joey’s Lonely Hearts Club

So it’s nearly Valentine’s Day.

Which should focus more on it's candy.

Valentine’s Day is almost like Halloween’s evil twin.  Sure, there’s candy, but you don’t give it out to strangers.  I’m given to understand that there’s sexy costumes, but they’re only in private.

Unfair, Karla, unfair.

I say given to understand, because I have always been single on Valentine’s Day.  Yep, never had a date on February 14th.  It was last year when I realized the true implications of that fact; if I’ve always been single on Valentine’s Day, it means I’ve never been a relationship that lasted a full year.

I nearly made it once.  I started dating a girl in March, and January neared its end, and things were … well, they were alright.  But then, it was like something snapped in my head come February, like I subconsciously realized I was about to settle down in some way.  I somehow managed to sabotage everything by February 10th, thus saving me a couple hundred dollars in lavish displays of affection.

Yeah, I’m kind of a dick, but at least I’m generous.

My brother is just like me.  He’s never been anything but single on Valentine’s Day.  You know, until this year.

Et Tu, Brutus?

He started dating a girl a few months back, and apparently, Stadelmann Brother Tradition isn’t enough to convince him to dump her.

Sure, she’s also cool, and smart, and has excellent taste in TV, and she’s definitely too good for him, so he needs to latch onto her like a barnacle on a boat, but that’s beside the point.  If he doesn’t make a terrible mistake and dump her, then Sergeant Joey’s Lonely Heart Club is down to one member, and I know where my priorities lie.

With me, baby.  With me.

Published in: on February 11, 2011 at 12:00 pm  Comments (1)  
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New Special Interest Group

Look, everyone, there’s something that’s been on my mind lately.  I’m

Concerned About Goblins

Yep.  I’m concerned about Goblins.  They live in the woods, and steal our natural resources.  Trust me, they chop down trees and steal oil from oil dereks whenever no one is looking.

Now I’m not saying that I’m anti-goblin.  I’m just … concerned.  Very concerned.  I mean, who knows what they are up to, in their hidey-holes.  That where they live.  Hidey-holes, located in the woods.

So, if you’re like me, and you want to protect our natural resources (from goblins) feel free to fly the above banner on your blog or website.

After all, all it takes for the Goblins to win is for good people to do nothing.

Drinking in Stettler

It’s been ten years since I lived in Stettler full time.  A decade.  Sure, my first few years of university, I came back for the summers, but that just isn’t the same.  While I still have family there, none of my friends live there anymore.  Hell, none of my friends parents live there.  I don’t know anyone in town I’m not related to anymore.

David wanted to go out on Friday night, and I had nothing else to do, I tagged along.  We headed out to one of his friends apartments, and I recognized it instantly.  Kodie used to live there.

People tend to come to Stettler to settle.  They have families, and they want houses with big back yards so the kids can run around, and some are there to retire.  People don’t move across town often, and when they do, it’s a big deal.  The last time my parents moved, it was because our house burnt down.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.  In fact, I think it’s pretty admirable to find a place where you belong and make it your own.

The problem is not everyone knows where they belong.  When you reach a transition phase, say when you’re done high school and don’t know what you want to do with your life, there’s not a lot of options in Stettler.  People want to move out, but there’s not a hell of a lot of places to go.  People tend to buy houses, not rent them.  Most of the people in the few apartment buildings plan to live there their whole lives.

So if you want to move out of your parent’s house, and you’re not ready to leave Stettler, then there are about three places you can rent.  Ten years ago, Kodie lived two suites down from the apartment we went that night.  We walked in, and it was like a time machine.  I didn’t realize how much I’d raised my standard of living.  I don’t really hang out in places with that many bugs anymore, or that many empty bottles.  You could tell the poor bastards that lived there had been given the dubious honour of being the standard party hosts.  Everyone just assumed they could come there to drink, and they didn’t really say no.

We hung out for a while, and … and it was Stettler.  We didn’t have much else to do but play drinking games.  We did something called Three Man, which was kind of like a drinking version of craps.  So … a bunch of guys sat around the table, making each other drink.

University is worth it, without a degree, just for the gender ratios.

So we drank, and I told them I was old so that I wouldn’t have to make myself sick, and they kept going.  Then we had to go down for the cab they had called.

I was… shocked to say the least.  Each day, my walk to work would take me right across Stettler.  There’s a real problem in town with cars.  No one realizes you rarely need a car, and people drive more often than needed.  If you aren’t carrying stuff or transporting small children, you can probably walk it.  To give you a hint of how little we needed it is the cost; we herded drunks like cats and they guy left the meter running so that the cost was six dollars.

We went to Social Bo’s, which is the one bar in Stettler that pretends to be a club and nearly succeeds. 

Look right across the bar

It has had several names, the earliest I remember is the Kowloon.  It sits in a little strip mall, and used to be attached to a restaurant.   Bouncers stand at the entrance, and there’s a bar and a shot bar, but if the music was off, you could have a conversation across the room.  It’s really not that big.  People dance, instead of sitting at their tables nursing beers.  Well, people still sit at their tables, mostly guys who are afraid to be seen dancing.   Most of Stettler’s bars are pubs with old guys sitting around looking sad.   I’m not saying I’m a big fan of clubs to begin with, and the makeshift version in Stettler, well, it depresses me.

What really hit me though, were the patrons.  Anyone who’s still in Stettler at my age generally has a couple of kids, and won’t be found in the bar.  No, the people there are either in or just out of high school.  As I looked around the bar, I realized that most of the people there probably hadn’t started the first grade by the time I left high school.  I felt old, in a I need to get out of here. 

They may be blurry, but I assure you, they also may be underage

David decided to stay because he knows who was actually of age, and has lower standards than me.  I just … I couldn’t.  I don’t belong there.  He asked how I would get home.  I reminded him it was Stettler, and then walked for ten minutes.

And I don’t think I’ll be back at Social Bo’s.  I’m too old and it’s too creepy.  I couldn’t even stick around long enough to give them a review.

But it probably would have come up as creepy.

Published in: on October 25, 2010 at 12:01 am  Comments (1)  
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Miniblog: Halloween Costumes

My birthday is in early October, and over the last couple of years, it’s become something of a tradition that my sister Kim makes me a Halloween costume as a gift.  This is incredible.  She works in the theatre, and the quality of these costumes is amazing.

This year, however, I’ve hit a bit of a problem.  I’m not sure what to be.  I already wore an awesome Caesar Romero Joker:

Not Heath Ledger's Joker

and a superb Goblin King:

If you haven't seen Labyrinth, you live a sad life.

But now what do I do?  I’ve got a couple ideas, and I’m looking for advice.  I know I want to do a pop culture costume, but do I go with classic pop culture, and ask her for Indigo Montoya:

If you haven't seen the Princess Bride, I pity you

Which is awesome, if people get it, but otherwise kind of looks like a random pirate.  I mean, if I keep asking people about six fingered men and such, it’ll be fine, and I bet I can talk Kodie or Shawn into the Dread Pirate Roberts, which is an easier costume, because he’s pretty much Zorro, and see if we can get Tall into a Fezzick costume, completing the set and making it more recognizable. 

Alternatively, I could go super recognizable with Luigi:

It's a me!

It’s fun, people will get it, and who doesn’t want a Luigi costume to go go-karting or to a party.  It’s super fun, but it’s … it’s almost not worthy of Kim’s incredible skill.  Is this the one?

Or do I go a touch more modern and obscure with Dr. Horrible:

If you haven't seen Dr. Horrible's Sing a Long Blog, you know the drill

People might not get it, but if they don’t, I think Mad Scientist is better than pirate.  If people do get it, they’ll fucking love it.  Getting Tall into a Captain Hammer costume won’t be tough.  This one also includes no fake mustaches, so there’s that.

I love all three.  I really can’t decide, but I need to, quickly.  So help me out! 

If you want to explain your choice, leave a comment.

Miniblog: Stettler Hostage Situation

Apparently, on Tuesday, there was a hostage situation in Stettler.  If you’re from Stettler, this is probably pretty shocking.  Stettler crime is not about hostages.  If there are guns involved, it’s a hunting accident.  If it’s an actual crime, it’s most likely that someone was thrown through a plate glass window of the Kowloon.  It’s a big deal if someone pulls a knife.  Not using it, just pulling it. 

I mean, there’s the last man in Alberta executed for murder, Robert Raymond Cook, but that was in 1960.  The only other famous crime case out of Stettler is this guy:

This guy was from Stettler.  So we used to have murderers, then we had underwear eaters, and now apparently we’ve decided to step it back up to hostage takers.

People from Stettler have been trying to figure out where it happened.  For your convience, I’ve pinpointed the location from the article:

Or in Stettler Speak, it’s “round behind the Dairy Queen”. 

It’s a little wierd that something kind of happened in Stettler.  Of course, no one actually got hurt, and despite the fact that highway 12 was closed for a few hours, there wasn’t even that much of a disruption of life.  My Mom said they didn’t even know until the next day.  I had to scour the internet to find a link to an actual news story about it, and in the end had to use Facebook to find it.

The man who ate his own underwear, however, he’s pretty damn easy to find on the web.

Miniblog: Jersey Shore

The second season of Jersey Shore premiered last night. 

 

Jersey Shore has two types of fan.  The first type identifies with the cast mates, and envies them of their lifestyle, which is mostly gym, tanning and laundry.  It’s about looking good, clubbing and hooking up.  The cast are of Italian descent, and the guys have reclaimed the term Guido, which was orignally racist, but now describes the partying lifestyle they live.  The girls are Guidettes, women who hope to snag themselves a Guido.  

The other type of fan can’t believe that these people exist.  There’s a level of … idiocy that’s often displayed.  Most of the cast is incredibly self-obsessed, certain that everything in the world revolves around them.  When they speak, similes and metaphors often die painful, terrible deaths.  The words that come out of their mouths shouldn’t be uttered in private, let alone on national TV.  They are a strange group of barely functioning pseudo-adults, who have taken the right to live their own lives, but generally have no understanding of responsiblity. 

And watching them is amazing.  You can’t believe the shit they say, do and think. 

It’s not even a secret guilty pleasure.  When you tell someone you watch Jersey Shore, if they watch it too, you both wait a moment to see if someone expresses glee at their clubbing adventures.  If they see something positive, you know you’re dealing with someone too dumb to catch your contempt. 

I think my secret shame with Jersey Shore is a bit deeper.  Some of the cast a mere parodies of humanity (Snookie,the Situation, Angelina).  Others have the potential to be functioning members of society, and just seem to be taking some time to get all the stupid out of their system.  The most normal is Vinnie. 

or "The Normal One"

 

Vinnie thinks and acts like a person.  You’re rarely laughing at him, and when you are, he is too.  He’s self-aware.  He’s the first to notice when things become ridiculous, and gets the least screen time because he’s the least spectacular.  The man is educated, and for all intensive purposes, should be the person I like most and identify with on the show. 

My secret shame is I really get Ronnie: 

 

First of all, I do not and never will look like that.  His arms are the size of my torso.  He’s a powerful man.  But he’s also insightful.  Right from the start, he knows not to get into his roommates business without a good reason.  He understands how the people around him think.  He’s smart like Vinnie, but he gets involved in everything that happens around him. 

He also keeps putting up with ridiculous behaviour from a cute girl.  Honestly, he’s too smart for Sammie, whom he dated in the first season, and she makes ridiculous demands and ultimatums on him, and he does his best by her, often to his determine. 

Then there was the time some guy kept beaking off to him, so he ran back six blocks, and dropped the guy with one punch.  It was awesome, up until the point where he spent a night in jail.  He understood every consequence of what he did.  He knows you can’t go around punching people. 

But when he does it it’s so awesome. 

That’s my secret shame.  Ronnie, from Jersey Shore, is a guy I understand, and like.  And that kind of makes me feel dirty. 

But don’t tell him and his beefy arms about the dirty feeling part.

Miniblog: Japanese Tourists

I have this dream for Stampede.  I keep hoping I’ll run into some cute lost Japanese girl. 

Someone along these lines

 

She’ll be all confused by the city, maybe talking to her equally cute friend, who will probably be wearing a cowboy hat, trying to figure out how to get somewhere, like the grounds, or how to do something relatively simple, like pay for parking.  Of course, they’ll be afraid to use their English, because these two girls are Japanese University students, who fear mispronouncing a word more than death. 

Fortunately, I’ll be there to save them with my ability to understand the idiocy of Calgary parking, and my scant Japanese which I speak with more confidence than it deserves.  Of course, they’ll want me to hang out with them all day, and then eventually, I’ll accept their displays of gratitude, whatever they might be. 

Probably blow jobs, but I won’t be too picky. 

Anyways, if that’s going to happen, I better get out there to Stampede.  What if someone else with rudimentary Japanese gets to them first?  Those are my bjs!

Published in: on July 14, 2010 at 8:47 am  Comments (1)  
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Miniblog: Fuck Golf

Mark Twain is smart.

 

Mark Twain once said “Golf is a good walk ruined.”  I agree.  I hate golfing.  But which I mean, actually golfing.  I hate hitting the balls with the clubs and then finding the balls and then knocking them into the hole.  I’ll play video game golf, but mostly as a social activity.  

I do enjoy the way golf is played now.  I love getting absolutely shit-faced in a public place and driving around in a little golf cart.  I feel that most modern golfers aren’t really worried about their scores.  They just want to have a couple of drinks while they drive around the course.  Hitting the ball down towards the hole is just there to kill time until the beer cart girl returns. 

The number 3 reason to golf

 

I still don’t golf often, because it’s expensive, people usually expect you to at least look like you’re playing the game, and I don’t like dressing like a golfer, or even someone allowed on a golf course. 

There is one thing I really don’t understand about golf.  Why is it considered a business appropriate event?  Tall works in sales, and he often has to spend his days on a golf course.  I’ve gone to a golf event for work as well.  I can tell you that the Bailey’s hits the coffee early in the morning, and you drink while you golf for work.  If it’s a full tournament, there will be meals with more liquor and generally raffles and prizes. 

But isn’t it against pretty much every business’s code of conduct?  I mean, the idea behind work golf events is that you’re there to conduct business, to make offers and sales while golf is the background.  But golf is the background to drinking, riding in a cart, and staring at beer cart girls.  You shouldn’t do any of those things in a work enviroment.  Once you’re drunk, you shouldn’t be making business deals, and when there’s prizes, aren’t those almost like bribes? 

I really don’t see why it’s considered acceptable to do business on the golf course.  I’d be fine if it was allowable for other things.  Why can’t you go bowling or to karaoke?  Why is golf, which is less of a sport and more of a drinking game, considered okay as a serious background?  I mean, it’s about as serious as go-karting, when you get down to it.

Miniblog: Wheels

When I moved back from Japan, I decided I didn’t need a car.  This decision was made, in part, by poverty on returning, as the exchange rate turned three months savings into one within a couple of weeks.  So I lived in Calgary, carless, and got used to it.

When the money started coming in, because no one raised in a stone’s throw of my Dad’s work ethic will stay unemployed for long, I still didn’t get a car.  I could have gotten something cheap, just to get around, but there was no need.  I lived and worked downtown, so every part of my life was in the same area.

Then my savings started going up, and I could have bought my first ever brand new car.  But then again, there’s travel.  I love going places, and I usually want to go further than I can get by driving.  So instead of getting a Mazda 4, I went to visit Japan.

Even when my work relocated to the edge of nowhere, I came to enjoy the hour on public transit.  It’s a time to write, or to read, or to play Nintendo DS.  I’ve been so long without a car I don’t miss it day to day, and instead of paying for insurance or gas, I get a bus pass and put money away to travel.  I think right now, it’s a better choice.

But my parents are going to Europe for a couple of weeks, and since they’re flying out of Calgary, they’ve decided that instead of paying for parking, they’ll leave their car with me.  I’m still on Dad’s insurance as an occassional driver.  So for the first time in years, I’ll have a car in Calgary.

I don’t plan to abuse it.  Maybe a trip to Ikea.  And Peter’s Drive-In.  But that’s it.

Probably.