I have a weird social anxiety that people who know me don’t realize I have. I need a set relationship to talk to someone. If we’re just strangers, I can’t start a conversation. I know that’s stupid and crazy. I know that I’m not disturbing people by speaking to them, but if I need to know the time, I’m more likely to go into a store and buy something so I can ask the clerk than to ask a person at a bus stop.
It’s weird in the ways it doesn’t show up. I have no problem public speaking. I’m more comfortable before an audience of hundreds than a single stranger. I can do my job, which involves speaking with customers I don’t know all day long, because we have a set relationship.
To meet new people, I generally need to lamprey onto an extrovert.
It's an unpleasant image, I know.
If I have that back up, someone else to say the first word, to start the conversation, I can join in. That’s why I need Tall or Lina in new social situations. Once they break the ice, I can plunge into the frozen lack below, but I can’t do it myself.
Which isn’t helping me right now, as I write this. I’m on the C-Train with my Black Book. If you’ve never been on a C-Train, there’s two types of cars. One has a bunch of seats that all face one direction, like a school bus, where you stare at the head of the person across from you. Then there’s the ones I call picnic cars. The benches face each other like this:
Three sets of these on either side of the train
It looks like you’re facing each other, and you’re going to set up a picnic between you. All that’s missing is the table in the middle and it would be like your grandparents camping trailer. The awkwardness right now comes from the fact that only a mostly empty train, I’m sitting here:
I'm brunette, so I'm brown in an overhead view.
And this really cute blonde girl came onto the train and looked around. There were completely empty sets of picnic seats, and she completely ignores them and heads for mine. This obviously means she’s into me. The only problem was I had no extrovert here, no Tall to start up the conversation. I’m on my way home from work, and I haven’t had a chance to drink yet, and my social anxiety kicks in. Then it gets worse. See, normally, when you join someone on a picnic seat, you sit opposite of them.
Kitty corner, maximum distance from train strangers
But this girl doesn’t seem to know the etiquette, or is so into me she doesn’t care. She sits here.
As close as she can get.
The diagram doesn’t really do it justice. She was trying to cuddle. She really wanted to sit in my lap, but I had this book out, so I was writing away.
How could this happen today! The one day I don’t drink at work! How am I supposed to talk to her? I’m on my own, she came to me, she came right for me! Does that mean we have a set relationship? Can I do it? Can I talk to her, dead sober, on my own?
Of course I can! I’m amazing! I’m such a cool guy! I’m internet famous, with literally dozens of readers on my blog everyday! I talk to hundreds of people every week, so why can’t I set a relationship, instead of walking into a predefined one? In fact, there is one here! This cute girl defined the relationship as cool writer guy on the train and cute girl who wants him! There’s no way she thought it would be normal to come sit right next to me! This is Canada, and we have nothing but open space, so she obviously wanted to get all up in mine so I would get all up in her.
Then she pulled out this:
I don't know if it was actually Spanish
A foreign language dictionary. Great, she just doesn’t know our customs.
Or she’s learning a foreign langauge….
Now I’m trying to lean over without her noticing, figuring out what language it is. I can tell by the type of book what it is, but I can’t see if it’s German, or French, or Japanese. Those are my ins. I have enough of those languages that it counts as a set relationship, whether she’s a tourist or a student.
Fuck, woman, just let me see your book!
This is getting ridiculous. Why am I still writing? Why can’t I talk to her? For fuck’s sake, it doesn’t matter what language the dictionary is! Hell, I could just ask her. Just say “What language is that?” I’ll be able to tell if she speaks it or if she’s studying it when I ask. If it’s one of my languages, I’m golden.
I tried it, just now, but it quickly became a cough.
Now she seems weirded out. Why don’t I have a flask on me? Just a quick shot, just a little buzz that I can blame if I screw up! Why is this happening to me.
Fuck, Tall, where are you? Why aren’t you here? If I text you, does that count? Do I have the power to talk to the girl then?
It’s hard to balance the book and text. I elbowed her a little. Not inappropriately. Now Tall isn’t texting back. WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU?
Why is this going so badly? Why can’t I handle this? This is a normal thing! Normal people do it all the time. We’ve been sitting together for twenty minutes now. Is it too late? Why don’t I just talk to her? Why am I still blogging.
We’re downtown now. She’s getting off at the first stop.
Thank God that’s over.
Wait a second …
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Joey would have you believe he’s suave with women, as he’s surrounded by beautiful girls all the time. Women constantly fall in love with him on the train. He’s usually not interested in them. This girl was special, but that’s not a good thing.
Black Book Project 