I recently went up to Edmonton to visit a buddy of mine from high school just before his wife had a baby. I asked them what they wanted me to call them in my blog, as per my naming convention, and she told me to make up nicknames for them. She requested they sound like 80s supervillians. So she is Malinmar and he is Professor Destructo.
This was my first baby stag. It is a party you have before the baby is born, when you don’t have to worry about being too quiet or being a bad influence. It’s more bachelor party than baby shower. The party was a Saturday evening, so Kodie and I drove up that day, planning to sleep on our hosts floor. We brought amusing gifts for the baby based on old inside jokes. We fascinated the guests who arrived before us. I had my ninj-brella because it was raining,
A weapon? Protection from the rain? Or both...
And our vodka was in a crystal skull.
Magic Vodka
Yeah, prop comedy. How far the mighty have fallen…
I grew up with Professor Destructo. When I think back to my earliest memories, his house is the first friend’s I remember playing at. We took figure skating lessons together, including a performance dressed as Ewoks, and went to the same school from kindergarten to grade 12. It’s a bit odd to visit him at the house he owns, with his wife, to celebrate his first child. It’s really cool, but it’s also weird. I can picture him as an unsteady four year old dressed as Wicket, and he’s having a baby.
I may be remembering it wrong, but I think we looked like this
Malinmar is a different story, because I’ve only known her as an adult. I met her at their wedding, and took a liking to her right away. It could be that I like to be famous, and I feel famous when I hang out with her. In Harvey, the greatest play of all time, Elwood Dowd says “You seem to have me at a disadvantage,” when someone knows his name, and more about him than he knows about them. I always feel this way with Malinmar. Professor Destructo has told her reams of stories about me, but as we haven’t lived in the same city since high school, he never had many chances to tell me about her. She’s also read a great number of my blogs, so she knows what I think about things and we always have great conversations about things I’m interested in, on which she has insightful ideas.
The best part about her, though, is she’s good for Professor Destructo. They compliment each other with different strengths and a genuine desire to look after each other. When Professor Destructo gets lost, which happens because he’s easily distracted, she’s there to right his course. When Malinmar gets down, he’s there to lift her up, and he’s never happier than when he’s doing something to make her smile. They also speak the same way. They say “realistically” constantly. I made a game out of it, to see if what they said afterwards was realistic. It’s similar to when you try to determine if people are using irony after they say “it’s ironic.”
This was one of the biggest gatherings of my friends from high school, probably since Malinmar and Professor Destructo got married. We drank at their house, and Ryan dominated the room. This always happens, because he’s got an incredible presence, and all eyes end up on him. He’s quick witted and gregarious, and always seems to be the center of the most interesting conversations. So we listened to stories about the drunkest he’s ever been, and how everyone reads the letters of the “Anonymous” tattoo on his arm upside down, and due to the script get “Snowhound” instead.
I think I realized why Kodie and Ryan always got along so well. Kodie rarely speaks, but with Ryan there, no none notices or cares.
Rounding out the group of people I spent everyday in high school with was Skippy. Skippy and Professor Destructo stayed close like Kodie and I did. For Skippy’s last birthday, Malinmar got him a doll so he could practice not hurting the baby, just before she announced her pregnancy. Skippy is a series of contradictions. He looks like a biker, with a bushy beard, standing 6 foot 3, and you have to really pay attention to notice the guy is brilliant. He doesn’t want you to know. He listens to really heavy metal, or the Russian Philharmonic Orchestra. He will constantly make comments designed to display how negligent he is, until someone actually needs help, which he gives freely and with gusto.
There were a bunch of other people there as well, some whom I knew, others who had gone to university with Professor Destructo, Malinmar, and Ryan, and others who’s relation I couldn’t trace. Kodie, Skippy and I spent a while catching up or listening to Ryan, until it was time to bowl.
I haven’t been five pin bowling in years, mostly because I have an easier time finding ten pin. We took up three lanes. We drank beer at bowling alley prices, which is the true meaning of bowling.
The bartender was a cute girl in dreads who was eating out of Ryan’s hand as soon as he spoke to her. He felt bad, being unavailable as she kept throwing herself at him with mounting desperation. We kept egging him on to find out facts about her. Between being the center of attention, and really just being asked to talk to the cute girl, he couldn’t deny us. By the end of the night he knew her age, whet she was taking in uni, where she was born, and nearly every biographical fact she could offer, except for her name and how to get her on the phone. I think he broke her heart.
Skippy bowls regularly, and destroyed our scores by the end of the first game. Professor Destructo couldn’t believe I came in second, probably because in high school I was notoriously bad at sports. The thing is bowling is less a sport and more a drinking game. There’s a certain buzz I can catch that makes me a competent bowler.
By the second game I had passed it and came in near the bottom of the heat.
Kodie watched us all silently, pleased to see how easily things could go back to the way they always were, at least for a night.
After three or four games (I’m really not sure) we returned to the house. Skippy had to head out, and as he was the sober guy in a crowd of drunks, I really don’t blame him. Kodie and Malinmar had a long discussion about religion. He kept dragging me into it, no matter how I tried to escape. I’d find another conversation, but he’d need to check a fact with me.
Not long after Kodie realized he was drinking, and as usually he decided he had better vomit and pass out. I had long discussions about movies, superheroes, and heard a harrowing tale of betrayal in those pre-dawn hours where exhaustion and the haze of vodka mean everyone who’s still awake can be trusted, and you’ll only remember topics, not specifics. It’s when truths come out, the sort you wish didn’t have to be true, but need shared when there’s no light left, just to purge the darkness. If you’ve never lasted to five am, I can’ t really explain this twilight to you. I encourage you to learn pacing, because these are the most human moments in the world, and if they aren’t painfully sad, they are ridiculously perfect. You won’t know until they happen, but every one is a treasure of truth.
Soon after, I was asleep on the couch. I woke up to the 2009 Astroboy movie playing, which has Nicolas Cage, Donald Sutherland, Nathan Lane, and Kirsten Bell. It’s better than I expected, and is worthy of that cast. Malinmar got up soon after, and was puttering around the kitchen, making breakfast for everyone. I offered to help, but she tod me I’d just be in her way.
Despite my knowledge of breakfast cooking, a talent even Gilly will admit I possess, I’m never offended when I get kicked out of a kitchen. Anyone who doesn’t want your help probably knows exactly what they’re doing. Malinmar made the best French Toast anyone has ever eaten. Ever. She also made a range of bacon, from deliciously soft, to ruined crispy, so that even freaks could have their burnt, ruined bacon.
Ryan’s mom lives in Edmonton, and she joined us for breakfast. She spent a far portion of the meal trying to convince us she had never done anything wrong and neither had her son. We had grown up with him and spent the previous night listening to him trying to figure out which story was actually the drunkest he had ever been, but he quietly nodded, letting his escapades slip below her radar.
I don’t quite understand it. I’m proud of my mistakes. I’ll tell anyone about the time I jumped out of a moving car, or why I can’t drink scotch, or the tale of Tequila Bender 2006. My mom, much to her regret, keeps reading my blogs and sees hears the tales of my escapades. I think she prays constantly that David never takes up blogging.
Unlike Skippy’s Birthday, which I call November Absinth Massacre, Kodie was able to move the next day. He drove us back to Calgary, talking about how he wants to plan a camping trip with me, Skippy, Ryan, and, if he can leave the baby for a few days, Professor Destructo.
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Since this was written, the baby has been born. This kid doesn’t know how lucky he is. Baby Destructo couldn’t come into a more loving home, and couldn’t ask for a better set of people as parents.
Black Book Project 